When Your Mind Moves Faster Than Your Ability to Listen

During the worst of my manic episode, I became a texting machine. Hundreds of messages. Paragraphs and paragraphs that spiraled into tangents. My thoughts wouldn’t stop firing, each one more urgent than the last. And almost every single message ended the same way: “Please don’t reply.”

I wasn’t trying to be rude. I was drowning in thoughts and the only way I could stay alive was to get them out of my head and into the world. But the moment someone responded, I’d feel my chest tighten and get irritable. Their words would demand something from me but I felt confusion and my thoughts aflight.

Receiving phone was were worse. I started avoiding them completely. A call from my mom, my brother, my closest friends, and I’d let it go to voicemail. Then I’d send them a text. Because a text I could control. If they called, they might hear how manic I was. They might ask me things I didn’t want to talk about.

But I wanted to communicate, so I kept texting and texting. There’s something about mania that makes you feel like you’re having the most important realizations of your life, and you have to tell someone

It’s like your thoughts are so vivid and true and necessary that they’ll explode if you don’t get them out. So you text. You text at 2am. You text the same person five times in a row. You text people you haven’t talked to in years.

I now see those messages were a sign that I needed help. I’ve looked back at some of them and they are so embarassing and painful to read. Ugh.

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