Note: This submission was sent to us from a person with bipolar I disorder. It’s a page from their diary.

At the time they thought they were hypomanic. Now they understand they were already in the depths of mania with delusions and perhaps psychosis. We appreciate Taylor sharing this unedited journal entry. 

Taylor hopes this excerpt helps other people before they reach the point of no return. If you see any similarities between this and yourself, or someone you know, please seek psychiatric help immediately.

By Taylor Brooks
Written during a manic episode

I realize this might sound manic, crazy and narcissist, but this is how I feel right now. I feel like the mania is a gift, like a super power. And I feel like a superhero who just discovered his powers, I used them self-servingly, recklessly, for good and evil. I was out of control.

However, now that I have awareness and I can harness these powers, I can use them for good, for truth and justice.

I can secretly harbor these super powers, and contain the negative impulses, and unleash these super powers in small doses, and only when absolutely needed.

For the rest of my life, I can maintain, I can deal with the incredible ideation.

I can control any negative thoughts, and pay them no mind. I can learn to think twice before I speak.

I can choose to appreciate the happiness and the power I feel.

I can be kind. I can choose to only let words pass my mouth that improve the situation for all around me, and bring happiness to those I love and the world.

I know this sounds crazy, but it is true. And I am very grateful.

Fuck anyone who would want to change me, if I can maintain control.

This sounds crazy, but I have realized I can shape most experiences around me. By my posture, body language, pitch, tone, attitude, words. It is super powerful and I need to just embrace it.

I am starting to see people as their nervous system. By that I mean I realize all people are the sum of their sensory impulses. When I am with people can control the sensory impulses they receive in the situation.

I can use this to generate positivity, peace, productivity, and bend reality to my will.

This is a precious super power that I need to protect, and maintain total control over. It must go un noticed by all.

When the negative thoughts and ideas and criticisms and meanness come through my head during the ideation, I can choose to let them pass. I do not have to dwell on them. I do not have to say them out loud. This is truly a superpower.

It’s not manipulation, I genuinely want the people around me to be happy and sincere. And that makes me happier too

It’s not easy, it’s like a rough wave to ride. But I can learn to be a better surfer.

Also, one of my tools for controlling symptoms, is to reduce external stimuli. This week has been exceptionally stimulating, despite my best efforts, for reasons I cannot my control. 

However, I will accept responsibility for the attention that I have given them. And I am proud of my actions. However, I could learn to handle the stress of it all better.

I’m grateful. I am loved. I am fulfilling my mission.

It’s not your superpower if you don’t use it to control yourself first. Be calm. Be wise

A note from the author: It is painful for me to read this now and embarrassing to share it. I can’t believe how rambling, nonsensical, and delusional I was. I’m really disappointed in myself for not seeing the signs.

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